Please do not be alarmed with the title. The writer is as sane as sane can be. Although let’s take a moment to acknowledge the greatness at display in the trailer for the baap of all Hindi movies released this year, last year, the year before that, or for years to come. This is 3 minutes and 38 seconds of pure gold!
So, Pitaji (yeah, we respect people’s sentiments, sometimes) dons a total of 30 hats, an ‘unpossible’ feat for any living human, in this movie. Starting from Actor, Director (more on that later), Editor and going up to Casting Editor, Pitaji has done everything. We have learnt from reliable sources that somebody challenged him after the “super-success” of MSG: The Messenger, whose box-office collection at Wiki reads “disputed”, and MSG-2 The Messenger to go full Mel Gibson Mad Max on the junta of India because; a) He can, b) Monies, you peasants. Thus, we have the glorious third instalment in the unending saga of Pitaji’s greatness.
Let us now take a quick look at the Terminator + Mad Max + Superman + Batman + Hulk + Colonel America (Captain is for poor people) + Govinda, all mixed into one with a lethal dose of James Bond’s charm, mixture that is Pitaji’s personality, as evident in the trailer:
1. He trunk-punches an elephant to get a man off it.
2. He likes jumping in puddles of water looking like an oversized, overdressed, bearded and puddle-dwelling version of Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
3. Move over Moses, Pitaji can’t just part the sea, he can ride horses through it.
4. Pitaji’s enemies wear tube-lights and they shower him with lights from tubes. Very interesting.
5. Pitaji is adept at helping women on swings, wo ped ke neeche waale. Never mind the fact that it looks like the women might just fall off the swing as she is propelled to greatness by His Holiness.
6. Pitaji is both a “secret agent” and a “king” at the same time. Beat that, pitches!
7. Pitaji advises Pitaji on how he can travel in the past and beat the shit out of some monsters with weapons he doesn’t need. Because Pitaji!
8. And the Oscar for Best Director(s) goes to Baap Beti Ki Jodi. Applause. Joel and Ethan Coen in tears. Tom Hanks and Daniel Day-Lewis thanking their stars for they will be cast in Pitaji’s next movie. And the Academy is thankful to Pitaji for honouring the Oscar award.
9. Pitaji has shaved his arms. Why you do this, Pitaji? :’( I will surely miss those beautiful curls that had sweat dripping from them owing to the laborious tasks that you did in the first two movies that put Hercules to shame.
10. “Sher-Dil, Sher-Dil!”
Title image: YouTube