Introverts and weddings, or any other social gathering for that matter, go something like this.
You’d think an introvert is King Leonidas, but it could very well be one of the brutally speared soldiers, because that is how social gatherings feel like.
It’s not like introverts are asocial or hate having fun. But our idea of expressing our happiness for wedded couples involves sending them a gift cheque (preferably via mail), and the magic figure for social interaction ranges between 1 to 10 every year, give or take.
Having attended more weddings, birthdays, reunions, housewarmings and christenings than was my lot, I have come up with some tools to help you to survive these situations- without wishing that you were never born.
You will need:
1. Overgrown hair:
Long hair (ideal length: shoulder-grazing) makes it easier for you to hide you face (and the eye-rolls that you are tempted to give every conversation). Less people sighting you, less people coming up for a chat.
2. Hidden corners, curtains, bushes:
For precisely the purpose Homer is using it. It makes for an easier exit when the number of bipeds in the area is a little too high.
Everybody needs food of course. But an added advantage of scarfing down the chow is that your mouth is full, and if you’re anything like me, the intimacy between you and the plate is too much for people to interfere.
An aside: Why can’t weddings have pizza?
4. Offer to bring food/water to people:
Prime subjects: Aunties and dadis with jodon ka dard.
Assignment: Fetch them water, coffee, gulabjamun, charter planes- anything that keeps you too busy to talk to other people.
5. Be this person:
Not the bride! The blurry person on the left. You know this species- the forgotten cousin on the bride’s side on whom gifts are piled like he/she were a bloody table.
Downside: Nobody cares about you or asks you questions.
Upside: Same as above.
6. Distance from family:
When you stay around your parents, people for some inscrutable reason want to be introduced to you. Then you need to say hello and smile and answer stupid questions like “Pehchana mujhe?”. Ugh.
7. A pimple, eye patch, face tattoo, Darth Vader’s mask…
Basically anything that keeps people from dragging you into their endless selfies.
There. You’re now ready go to all the weddings your family forces you to attend this season, sans the energy drainage!
Title image: michaelcockerham