Honest Horrorscopes: How To Not Be A Complete Jackass This July

Na-reel horoscope

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So the seventh month is here (duh!). Adding to the misery of it not having any major holidays in which to pretend having a good life, we also bring you our predictions about which rock would crush you underneath it. Whether you are a believer or a skeptic, it doesn’t really matter because you are screwed anyway.

1. Aries (March 21 - April 20)

You will find new love as you try to run from the downpour and crash into another member of your rowdy species who is also looking for shelter from the rain. You will bond over your mutual hatred of everything in this world (and its hatred of you) in the rain and muck. The romance will fizzle out as soon as it started because let’s face it, no one can really stand you for long.

2. Taurus (April 21 - May 21)

The lovely weather is bound to turn you on, as does everything else. If you want your partner to remain with you by the end of this month, however, we would strongly advise you to stop being the thick-brained bull you are. Move the heck out of your bed and get some real work done. And no, sexting your partner doesn’t count.

3. Gemini (May 22 - June 21)

This month will see you drive everyone around you nuts. You’ll either want to go out in the rain when everybody else is busy, or brood when your gang plans a trip somewhere. Both ways, it is your fault. Stop wasting people’s time by getting into arguments with them, they are making a greater difference to the world than you are.

4. Cancer (June 22 - July 23)

It’s your month! And it is no different than any other month for you anyway is it? We advise you to get out of your darn cave and assure people that you are nowhere close to suicide. Really, stop crying now, and try to be nice to people when they wish you a Happy Birthday without wondering aloud if the chocolates they brought have been poisoned.

5. Leo (July 24 - Aug 23)

There is a significant chance that you might catch a cold or worse, MESS YOUR HAIR while you are trying to be a bigshot for your crush in the rain. It is suggested that you stop being a baby about such life choices that you made yourself. Really, it is just hair for crissakes (and your ridiculous hairstyle will need a Marines team to destroy it anyway)!

6. Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23)

For the sake of world peace, seal yourself up in a plastic bag and go into hibernation till the rains are over. Your incessant whining about the dirt, the bugs, the waterborne diseases and the possibility that you might be dying of one every other day, might lead to an assassination attempt on you. Married people are advised to stop torturing their family with bland porridge and boiled water for the whole month.

7. Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23)

The lack of sunshine might turn you into a bigger sloth than you already are. Students are advised to move their behinds instead of fantasising about unmentionable stuff and actually making an effort to talk to their crushes instead of weighing all the pros and cons every moment of the day. You’ll probably end up blowing this one too, but at least retain your meagre dignity.

8. Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)

This is going to be a difficult month for you. You will have to keep all your insane thoughts to yourself if you still want to have a partner at the end of this month. They are not cheating on you, they were just stuck in the rain. If they are, it is because you are such gigantic pricks.

9. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

Romantic involvements may see some progress this month, if only you could stop clowning around and listened to your partner like a darn grownup. Keeping your juvenile jokes to yourself and expressing real love instead of a wacky Mad Max fantasy will also be helpful.

10. Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

Nothing much will change in your boring, insipid life this month either. Your unfortunate family will continue to shove your dinner plate into the dark room you confine yourself in, while the rest of the world is revelling in the romantic weather. You might as well go out and say ‘Hello’ to them once in a while, if you want a decent burial when you snuff it.

11. Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

You will make remarkable intellectual and spiritual development this month, albeit with no actual use to the rest of the world, just as it has always been. Exercise is strongly recommended- blink and move your limbs now and then if you don’t want your folks to think you died staring at the raindrops on the window in front of you.

12. Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)

The magical weather around you will send you into a trance and you will emerge with reflections about your role in the beautiful scheme of Nature. Nobody cares. Don’t lose yourself on the way to work and stop boring people with abstract concepts about the Universe if you still want to be alive in August. Your wispy looks and dreamy eyes can only take you so far.

There, go back to your meaningless life now. And share this misery with your friends by tagging them on Facebook.

All images sourced from imyours.

Title image: wikia

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Anagha Wankhede (WRITER)

Potterhead, gourmand, culture junkie, INTJ. Aspires to be Lady Olenna Tyrell. Dreams of getting paid for travelling, eating and watching TV series all day. Presently settled for writing about it.